Am I Self Published?

by Steve Barancik (owner of this site)
(Tucson, AZ)

Recently, a friend took me to task on the subject of self publishing.

Being a screenwriter by trade, I will attempt to reproduce the conversation in dramatic form. I should tell you that this friend delights in giving me a hard time.

Friend: I just found your new site, stupid.

Me: You mean you found my stupid site?

Friend: No, the site's brilliant. YOU'RE stupid.

Me: Thanks...on behalf of the site. Now could you back away from the cookie jar?

Friend: I couldn't believe where you wrote that you have no personal experience self publishing.

Me: That's called "disclosure." An honest person admits his lack of expertise rather than holding himself out as an expert.

Friend: Yeah, but only a moron self publishes and doesn't even realize it. Or remember it.

Me: Sending you an email is not self publishing. Even if it's the closest thing to a book you've ever read.

Friend: Don't try to be funny; you're not good at it.

Me: I'll remember that...when I'm performing comedy.

Friend: So putting up a website isn't self publishing?

Me: Is that what you're getting at? No, it's not.

Friend: Who was the publisher?

Me: What?

Friend: Who did you have to sell the content to in order to get it up on the web?

Me: Nobody.

Friend: You mean you just put it up there yourself? No one paid you?

Me: No...

Friend: And you own it? No one else owns it?

Me: I own it.

Friend: You see, moron? You're a self publisher.

Me: Wait. You saw the site. OTHER PEOPLE write the content. I'm publishing THEM.

Friend: And don't you comment on everything they write?

Me: Okay, I see where you're going with this. But the site is really about other people's writing. I'm pretty much just an editor.

Friend: So you're not a self publisher because others write MOST of the material. That's your story and you're sticking to it?

Me: Yep!

Friend: And it's your only site?

Me: Um...

Friend: No, you have the children's books site, right?

Me: Well...

Friend: And you write most of the material on that, right?

Me: Uh, yeah...

Friend: So explain to me why that's not self publishing.

Me: Because...

Friend: Because?

Me: Because it's just not! Okay?

Friend: And those are your only two sites, right?

Me: Right.

Friend: WRONG. You really are a moron. You've got the Monolog Cabin site.

Me: Hold on. That's just a hobby.

Friend: What's just a hobby? The site?

Me: The shows. That's just my comedy outlet.

Friend: You perform other people's comedy?

Me: No, I perform my own comedy.

Friend: You write it.

Me: Yeah.

Friend: Then you put it in a drawer?

Me: No.

Friend: You mail it off to a publisher? An agent?

Me: No. And no.

Friend: You perform it.

Me: I said that.

Friend: You perform it where? On the toilet?

Me: You know where I perform it. In public.

Friend: And someone pays you to do that? Some producer?

Me: No, I produce it myself.

Friend: YourSELF? There's that word again.

Me: What word?

Friend: "Self." Almost everything you write these days, you don't even TRY to sell it to an agent, or a publisher, or a producer. You put it in front of the public yourSELF, and you try to make money off of it yourSELF. Do you know what that makes you?

Me: A self publisher?

Friend: Yeah. That and a moron.

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